Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Channeling Erma- Incessant Babble (circa 2004)

Dear loved ones,
Just a brief (you know better than to fall for that) note to make an excuse for my not being in communication lately. Had my first official board meeting for PTO and it went really well (say those in attendance; lest I should ever boast) and everyone commented on the organization and the documentation.
As you all who know me, and love me any way, can attest to, I can be a little.... anal? I made binders for all the members, color-coded, outlined everything, divided/ labeled sections and typed and compiled mounds of information that at some point, in our natural lives, someone might ask for. (I'd have been great on Let's Make a Deal! I'm even now carrying Tattoo Goo in my Marilyn bag.)
Lest you think I'm too OCD, you should check out my house. The dust bunnies have multiplied, as they have a way of doing rather prolifically, and have actually morphed into dust foot warmers, ottomans, coffee tables etc. I suppose one day I should actually put away all the Christmas 'stuff' I've now stored in the front living room; hmmm.... Exactly just how many more months is it until this Christmas?
Any way, awakening the next morning (after following a successful first attempt at presiding over a PTO meeting) I prepare to prod my children (what? it was gentle!) out the door to await the bus. ('Free at last...'What?! Just belatedly celebrating MLK, Jr. day) Moments later, after I attempt to get on the computer to refine and compose more PTO stuff, I hear the most blood curdling scream from my first born who is tearing through the door with blood spewing from his mouth.
It would seem, despite one's family religiously watching 'A Christmas Story' several times a season, that one young male third grader, trying to impress 4th graders, would actually stick his tongue, and then forcefully remove it, from the street sign down by the bus stop.
After 45 minutes, the blood finally subsided, with the highly medical technique of applying a raspberry Edy's popsicle directly to the TWO missing areas of skin. My first born (the one so much like his mother) then proceeded to go to school around 10:30 ('Just in time for recess!' he told me~ and following a snack he selected of sour cream and onion ritz chips,) and was now a 'celebrity.'
I was met with responses like, 'Did you go look at the post? You can still see pieces of his tongue with blood on it.' 'There was a trail of blood we followed all the way back to your house.' and my personal favorite (by said first born, upon conversation from wise mother conveying how to prevent the injury should the opportunity ever arise again...) 'I can just do it in the summer.' I kid you not.

Once I return to my sanctuary locally, (okay, I went through the drive-through at the coffee shop) I headed home to find that my computer had the 'mydoom' worm and was destroying my files. What's a girl to do...? Let's see, I already tried clicking my heels... (reference to new tattoo here) so, I did what any of you would do under such circumstances, I opened the bag of Dove chocolates I bought for Kolton's teacher and plunged in.
I was able to eliminate the killer 'worm' in the computer ($60 worth of downloading later) and was going to 'touch base' with you on Thursday, but instead ran errands so I wouldn't have to clean the house. How does one get a flat tire at the exact moment one now has own children, as well as others, in the car? Midas did have free peppermints. And husband had decided to let wife, who is so 'good with others' feelings, tell realtor ( who also happens to be the coordinator of upcoming women's retreat I'm attending in March,) that we are not going to relist with her. (There goes the containers of m&m's I took to the PTO meeting.)

Alas, today we finally arrive at this (bitterly cold) morn, THE day when I planned to 'take charge' of my life, put away those decorations, suck the dustball slippers into oblivion~ only to find that because of the 'chill' in the air, school was cancelled. (Mental note- force smile to the kids as you tell them. Be happy for them.) Sigh...

So, following up a conversation with the employed member of our family, and stopping to take him a latte because the scale had tipped in the wrong direction for him in their weekly weigh-in competition today, I succumbed to a cinnamon white chocolate scone with a latte; therefore, ending my successful protein laden diet streak (of two whole days!)

Following trip to Target to let second spawn spend her birthday money, with the advice and manipulation of first spawn, we arrive at residence only to find the kitchen floor and counter tops cleaning themselves. 'What?' you ask.(I love how you indulge me.) How ironic it would seem that on the very day my mom emails me with 'lots of love pouring down' that I would therefore prove my theory about how bad it could be to have one's washer/ dryer upstairs, because... should it ever overflow/ leak/ shoot all over the bathroom!!!, then it would damage the ceiling in the kitchen. (Don't you hate to always be right? It's such a burden.)
So, it should warm your hearts to know that my kitchen and bathroom floors are now clean. Kolton's tongue continues to work as always (a little biting) and Kallin is wearing jeans that are not, on this particularly frigid day, exposing her crack. Life is good, or at least interesting.
So, now that you have eye strain and you're thanking God for the hand that he has dealt you, I want you to know how much I love and miss~ and NEED each one of you. May all your dust bunnies be neutered.
With you in spirit.
(who else? No, really, come on. Who else could actually relay all this drivel?)

'Sir, more than kisses, letters mingle souls.'
john donne


wrytir said...

Love your voice, Linda! Well said, and highly, if tragically, amusing. Keep it up, kiddo.