Illumination

That cyclical nature (making the world go round,) has brought us full circle to a time when when it's expected that we contemplate our journey of the previous year, assess our shortcomings and feel compelled to publicly avow 'be better' in the months to come.


And, for the most part, I'm really okay with this reflection period, knowing that if there wasn't a mass focus on it, I'd probably put it off until a later date... such as, um... mid-January or so... Since I have never been one to see things in finite terms or to march with the crowd... at this age not without questioning first; and, when younger, because I wasn't sure which crowd to march with, I've tended to shy away from resolutions, which I view as reminders of where I've let the ball drop the previous year.

However, a tangible catalyst has recently forced me to open the one remaining Pandora's box of self-loathing and pity I thought I'd buried with things that were better left behind from a past that is no more. And the surge of insecurity and sadness that enveloped me caught me off guard, and shook what I thought was an ever evolving foundation.

You'd think by this point in my life, I'd be over letting others' echoes define self-worth or self-vision. Most days, although I still see those faces, I don't hear those messages that were tossed, and hurled on occasion~ (or at least on significant, and now clearly more memorable occasions) without a thought of the implications. But just when you get over confident (cocky?) about something, the universe has a way of humbling you.
I hear you! I still have work to do! I'm not finished. Truly, I get it...

So, here's some stuff I'd like to play around with this year and see what transpires...
(True to form, w/o committment or acknowledged pressure. Sure.)

• The romantic, wandering Sagittarian (sounds like I've summonded the stars; nope, just Cosmo) in me needs to get out and explore, as I tire easily of routine, so I want to travel to a place I've never been ~outside of the country? No? Well, how about the Midwest? I see... Teacher salary, single parent... Um.Out of my zipcode??? ~ Okay then~ but not within throwing distance from a Walmart.
  
• I want to feel healthy. 2008 was a year for maintenance, checking under the hood and some minor adjustments- not cosmetic, but I'm certainly NOT against that (she said from this side of 40.) I know how good focus and effort can feel. (Plus, it's way more fun at the at the lake to wear a cute suit that can actually cover what is supposed to be covered ... okay, wait...back up. 'Fun' is too strong a word. How about less devastating? Yes, that's exactly the term I was seeking.)


• I want/need/aspire to write more, to share that writing more, and to become a stronger writer via various forums~ but don't expect a letter from me just yet.
  
• I have a fresh appreciation and outlook on what a partnered relationship can be, and I want to keep that focus and not assume anything.
  
• I want to keep all avenues of communication open, and consistent.
  
• I need to spend some quality time, individually, with my spawn before they realize their tenure (residence-wise) with me is temporary.
  
• I'd like to develop some management skills with finances vs. the guess-and-check game I've played during marital divisions. Not knowing is worse. I know this. I have the certificate to prove it...
  
• I'd like to think about the future, assume that I'll retire someday, and make some plans toward that end (not toward my imminent demise, but for the pleasure and means for play time.)

• I want to remember to acknowledge the growth I've been afforded (I submit my paid bill of remittance!), and just how well I've handled challenges that might deter or break others. And I've done it taking the high road. (That counts, right? That's kind of a big deal. Grin.) It helps to have a support system that you can call... even if you never do. (Refer to 5th bullet point.)
  
• I want to touch the ocean...
  

That's enough fodder for me to stew about, for at least today. (Plus, the new season of American Idol is going to start soon.) No pressures, no definitives... and no way am I going to achieve all that I've penned. (This idealist can be a realist when it suits her!)

But at least I've thought about it, and that is a start. And, really, what's one more little box to empty? Perhaps I'll even call curbside collection...